me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
You Might Also Like
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*