Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
You Might Also Like
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
the best thing i’ve ever made
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating