police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m about to risk it all
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
This is my pinned tweet
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.