People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.