How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*