Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”