I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
You Might Also Like
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye