If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Not recommended for beginners.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣