doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.