Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
jesus, what did this guy do
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.