[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Something Saturday.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.