Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
#StillHurts
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
That lamp looks PISSED.