If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Social distancing in Australia:
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan