Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous