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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….