dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me, flirting😏
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *