You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’