Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus