Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.