me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
How to make infinite energy.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids