Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I’m not wrong
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.