“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.