How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy