Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
i baked you a cake
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.