FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.