Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?