[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Sharon I have some bad news
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭