My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.