Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool