I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.