*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
💻🤡
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.