What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Lassie, get help!
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Hitlers gonna hitl
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter