(yawn)
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Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.