I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.