[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
an octopus is just a wet spider
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Choose your fighter
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.