I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I wish this was real life…
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”