Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
no cat here
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
what’s really going on
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only