My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
One cake enters. No cake leaves.