For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
sigh
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”