National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Time for evil
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday