“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)