I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle