May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
You sure about that?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*