“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Breaking news:
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?