Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
broke down and did it
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Seems a bit forward
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
see you in hell you stupid fruit
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers