“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
You Might Also Like
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed