[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.