I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.