Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
You Might Also Like
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
uncle dave has been through hell
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.