Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.